Thursday, April 23, 2009

Is this the end?

My neighbor, who is a bit of a pessimist, informed me this morning that "We have reached the end of days".

When I asked him how he knew this, he told me that it is written in the bible.

I had to hide the panic on my face.

Whatever are we going to do? I asked myself.

Bomb shelter, we are going to need to build a bomb shelter.

Are there bomb shelter contractors in the yellow pages?

Do they have catchy slogans on their ads like.... 'Biffs Bomb Shelter Builders, We get bombed before you do.'

Should we build the shelter big enough so we can invite guests and should we have them install a bar. I know we are going to need to be well stocked with booze if my wife is going to tolerate me and when we have guests over...."Welcome to our bomb shelter Ted, have another martini, never mind the loud noise above. Would you like a Vienna sausage with your drink?"

I was daydreaming about black tie cocktail parties in our shelter, and my neighbor looked at me and said " You are not listening to me"

Was I that obvious?

Wait a minute, if this was the end of days certainly CNN would carry the story. I watched CNN this morning as I always do in the morning and there was no mention of the end of days. (Coffee, cream, sugar and CNN. That's how I roll in the morning)

" There was no mention of that on CNN" I said.

The look on my neighbors face was classic.

I went back into the house and decided that it was best if I told my wife of our impending Global predicament.

" I think he was referring to the end of days as we know them" she said.

I pondered my wife's comment like a monkey ponders his navel. She was, of course, right like always.

Days as we knew them are gone!

It's like this.............

My wife and I are getting older, we are both retired, though I have taken a part time job so I can keep busy and out of my wife's hair, like she told me to do!

Both of our kids have grown and moved out.

A 'hot date' at our house consists of...

Me. "You want to?"

Her. "OK"

Me. "Lets go"

We sneak off to the bedroom. A minute later.....

Me. "Was it good for you?"

Her. "Yes. Those performance enhancing drugs you are taking are really making a difference, it now takes a full 60 seconds instead of the 30 seconds like before"


Me. "Lets get dressed and go to the buffet"

Her. "Works for me!"

Our arguments now consist of ....

Her. "Fuck You !"

Me. "Not in the mood you are in!"

There used to be romance, we would sit around the dinner table and talk.

We could not wait to get home from work to see each other.

Arguments, though few and far between, were called discussions.....

Me. "No we are having and argument"

Her. "We are having a discussion Mr. Man"

Things have certainly changed in our lives. But the truth is, my wife of many years is still my best friend and the only woman that I will ever love. The kids may have moved out, but I can still here their voices as if they are still there. They are only a phone call away!

So yes, my wife is right, days as we knew them are over. But the best are yet to come!

And as far as my neighbor is concerned.......he has always been a pain it the ass!

How many of us have neighbors like that?